What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
