If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
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