I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
