a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
