I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
