Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
She's the barista slut.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
