Moan for me like Helen Keller
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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