All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Randomize
