Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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