I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
So squirting runs in the family.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
