Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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