And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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