At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
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