So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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