My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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