i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
