Porn is love you can see.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
