Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
