I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
he quoted the bible to break up with me
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
