i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
