Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
