the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
