WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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