I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
