The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
