My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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