All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Randomize
