Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
