We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
