3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
my liver is dry heaving
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
