I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Found the puke drawer
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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