They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize