Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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