Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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