every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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