Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Randomize
