if only i could text you this smell
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Randomize
