FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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