I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
