Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
