i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Randomize