yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Randomize