You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
