WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
