i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
