you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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