I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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