so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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