My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize