This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
