drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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