guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
