I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Randomize
