I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize