ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Randomize
