if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize