life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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