How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
