Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Randomize
