Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
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