dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize