so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
