Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
