you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
