I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize