I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
