Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
