U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
So much rum. So many feels.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
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