I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
