I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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